How IFS Therapy Can Lead to Wholeness and Living At Your Best
IFS, Multiplicity, and the Core Self
IFS therapy holds the perspective that we are made up of subpersonalities that are part of our multifaceted selves. What a relief right? I’m not just my silly self, I’m my angry self, my sad self, and all the ages and versions of myself I’ve ever been.
"I am large, I contain multitudes" is a famous line from Walt Whitman's poem "Song of Myself" (section 51) in his 1855 book Leaves of Grass. It refers to the human nature of holding contradictory thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, representing the complex, multifaceted nature of the self.
In a way there is a wholeness that is the greater sum of all any person’s parts. The wholeness of the inner system. And very importantly the Core self (calm, curious, compassionate center) can be a resource to our parts who need to be seen, understood, and supported relationally. Because humans exist together and healing happens strongly through relationship.
What “Wholeness” Actually Means in IFS
Many people assume wholeness means fixing or eliminating parts of themselves. IFS flips that idea. In IFS we don’t get rid of parts, we understand them deeply, see them as natural, see their positive intentions (even the ones that cause problems!) and gain clarity on how inner conflict between parts is really a system trying to protect.
Do you have some of these parts in a tug of war sometimes (who are we kidding, everyday)? The procrastinator vs. the perfectionist
The people-pleaser vs. the resentful part
The anxious planner vs. the spontaneous part
IFS helps you to make space for them all and bring in Self qualities to help lead the way. Thank goodness. I’m always grateful to my Core Self for helping me to find a path forward and getting me the heck away, not from my parts, but from the stuckness that can happen between them.
Going From Inner Conflict to Self Leadership
Everyone knows, most of the time, living life out of fear isn’t necessarily the best. And to me, this is one of the most magical and practical aspects of IFS. Instead of suppressing parts or being overwhelmed by them, there is a third path of really actually being with a part long enough to make conscious decisions, and not be hijacked by any of them. Decisions change when you don’t just have one part dominating. Instead: name, notice, and get curious with parts.
Healing Without “Fixing” Yourself
This is a powerful, slightly counterintuitive message. In IFS we believe that growth doesn’t come from self-rejection, parts don’t need to be eliminated—they need to be understood, and healing happens through relationship, not control. I think whatever we reject in ourselves often comes back like a boomerang. When parts are really understood there is a natural softening that happens, we don’t twist the arm so to speak, of any part, it’s more like putting a hand on their back. We don’t control parts, we allow them to be. And I believe it’s that exact relationship of friendliness, of love, that I think really moves things forward.
Real-Life Benefits: Living At Your Best
What does this result in? Better relationships (less reactivity, more presence), reduced anxiety and burnout, clearer decision-making, and greater sense of internal safety. Doesn’t that also make sense? When your parts feel safe inside with you, you get the courage to live the best life? One of the most famous quotes regarding this sentiment is from Lao Tzu: "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage". This quote highlights that receiving love provides confidence (strength), while actively loving others inspires bravery (courage). When our parts sense that we love them, not just hate them (that’s another understandable and honestly not too helpful part), parts gain the strength to let their grip go, and our Core Self can shine in courage as it leads, putting the best foot forward in our every day lives.
A Simple Starter Practice
Here’s how to get started- check out the below resources:
A brief “check in with a part” exercise
Journaling prompts (e.g., “What part of me is showing up right now?”)
How to notice your inner critic without getting hooked
A Simple Starter Practice
If you want to dive deeper into your own inner family system of parts and activate your Core Self energy, working with a professional mental health therapist can be key.